I Was Not Dreaming Last Time But...

Cherry blossoms reminded me about words someone said. When I heard it, I was in a dream. When I remembered it, I was in reality.

Shortest way isn't always the best way when you go somewhere. I think it's important to slow down or stop sometimes, look around or take another path and think about yourself: Which direction are you going toward?

There are landscapes you can never see by taking an airplane unless you take a train.
There are are things you can never notice by taking a train unless you walk.

We tend to choose an easier way to get to the destination. Yeah, it's not bad, if getting there is the only aim. But it might not be so impressive. When I remember about my trip to Thailand. It's like that. I didn't do anything. It was almost a full packaged tour. We took an airplane, and when when we got there, the tour guide took us here and there, did anything we needed...I really don't remember where I went. I mean, of course I took pictures so I know how they looked, but they are just not so impressive.

I went to Thailand.
I spent time there.
I had fun with my friends.

That's it. If I have some choices in the future, I'll never do it again.

Don't take it wrongly, I'm not saying it was bad. I guess, I've just changed. Like now, what I require from my trip is something that pushes me forward, something that introduces me things I've never seen. They might be tough or adventurous sometimes, but I'll rather choose the way. But I'm not gonna do something beyond me as long as I know it's not too dangerous. I don't wanna take a risk that may lose my life, but just extending my arm to the thing I may reach when I stand on tiptoe is okay.

I'm not dreaming. I'm standing with my feet on the ground.
I just want to see.
I just want to see and decide: Which way is good to pass. Which way is beyond me.

Sometimes, I may ask for an advise. However, I'm not gonna be swayed by it.
It may be just for expanding my choices.
It may be just for keeping a different idea somewhere in my mind.

Because, however critical people are, I can't deceive or betray myself.

Empty Wallet

I want to say, it hadn't been planned for my wallet to buy any clothes today...

I went out with my sister because she wanted to go shopping. She lives in Yugawara city which locates close to Hakone (you know there is nothing but hot springs, lol). So, whenever she comes back here, she wants to go shopping. Even though here is rural area in Tokyo, it's still something "urban" compared to the place she lives.

Anyway, guess what happens if two girls go shopping. I found a cute one-piece dress at a store. I don't have any plans to attend someones wedding party or high-end restaurants for now (hey, does anyone take me to such places?! :P), but that one-piece dress is kind of something I can wear in such a situation :) It's not that gorgeous (I'm too shy to wear really pretty clothes ^_^;), but looks good enough for beginner like me, lol. Anyway, JUST TRYING IT ON IS FREE. But it's a whisper of devil at the same time. Yes, I bought it!! (clap clap orz)

Let me make an excuse. I've found a very cute one-piece dress before. I tried it on, and it looked ok. However, I felt somewhere was tight...so I didn't buy it (T_T) It's hard to find right size clothes I really like. Therefore it was kind a good thing I bought it today...if only I am rich...

Now, I got a pretty one-piece dress. But I still have to find something I can wear on it, and some shoes and bag which suit them :) And of course, I have to get a chance to go somewhere I can wear them :P

Just Envy, Just Jealous, Want To Live In A Dream

Just wanna tell, his words impress me. I don't know why, but I like his notes. It's hard to explain by words tho. Mostly, the topics are about small things. Small things..but they make me smile and I feel something warm in my heart. I might be just envying him because he has something I want.

Ah..I miss Cambodia. Actually, I miss traveling. How does it feel going to other countries by myself without having a shortly limited time? How does it feel using local transportation to move from place to place carrying a backpack?

Hey, how was your 16 hours bus ride to Laos?
Hey, why can you go somewhere with someone you don't know?
Hey, please tell me about the stories you met during your trip.

IF, I get a chance to meet him again, I have a lot of things to ask. I want to listen to his stories, I want to browse his pictures :)

Of course he was overcharged or cheated sometimes. He was even robbed money in Chiang Mai. But beside getting into such troubles, he didn't stop being concerned with people. I know not everyone is bad. Maybe most of people are kind. However, in the situation of being on a trip, probably most people who are coming close to us by themselves have some mind of getting benefit. On his note, he wrote that being in countries like Cambodia or Vietnam, he was naturally overcharged by taxis, it was not rare today's price was different from yesterday at the same store, and in the end, he was asked for a direction, so he told kindly, but after all, he was soaked money and he was kind of distrusted people because of such troubles. But when he went to Thailand, he met a nice woman. They went eat together, and she didn't let him pay for the meal and stuff.

He says; I've been tricked, and it sometimes made me feel it might be better not to be nice to people. But being with her, I really thought it was good that I'm not one of the people who deceive. Maybe she wanted to make a tourist who came to her country happy. If I am in Japan, and if I get to know someone who's visiting Japan from over sea, I definitely want them to go back to their country with happy feelings. It feels like I was told that I should do so by being with her. If I feel "Thailand is a very good country" because of only one person, it's possible for a Japanese to make someone feel "Japan is a very good country" from his/her bottom of the heart.

I wonder how many troubles he was involved during his trip. It's really good he is alive. I also wonder how many marvelous things he met!

Again, how does it feel going to other countries by myself without having a shortly limited time? How does it feel using local transportation to move from place to place carrying a backpack? It makes chances to share time with local people...I'm sure it's risky, but isn't it fun at the same time? I can experience something I can never experience being a full package tour staying at a gorgeous hotel :) I'm not interested in duty-free stores or high-end hotels. I'd rather feel local atmosphere.

I just envy, just jealous. I want to do the same thing he's doing. However, it's risky. It's like jumping into the sea naked. I may get into a lot of troubles under the sea, and however I come back to the seaside safely, I'm naked.

Freedom is not just free. I sacrifice something, bear responsibility, and get the freedom instead. I'm still not brave to throw everything away and jump into a dream land. But I know, it's up to me if I choose stable but boring life or risky but exciting life.

P.S. Please don't get mad about writing about your note. I don't know if you read this, but I just wanted to share my thoughts and feelings with someone who reads my blog :)

New Step

A few months ago, I accomplished my small but kind a greatest step; going to Cambodia alone. I had fun there. I got a chance to do something that maybe I would never experience if I went there with someone. I was satisfied when I finished it. I came back safely and there was no troubles. Ordinary life felt monotonous and boring for a while and I missed Cambodian air. And, then...WHAT???? I didn't expect that I would feel what I feel now this early, and at the same time, the environment is letting me take a step forward...I'm going to take another step.

Actually, last time wasn't that adventurous. I worried before going, but everything was fine. Of course, I planned almost everything except what to see while I was in Japan. It was great I met Yuta in Cambodia. I met him just by chance, but the fact I met him and talked to him, what I felt at that time is helping me take this step. I emailed him few days ago because I wanted to ask something, but haven't gotten a reply yet. If he's been doing well as he planned, he must have come back or, must be coming back soon. I don't know if he is busy and just not taking a look of his yahoo email nor if he doesn't feel like replying to me, but hope that he's doing well :) I don't expect getting a reply from him so much because it might have been much more treasure since the meeting never recurs. I feel it amazing; the meeting just by chance is pushing me forward. It's not too much to say that I went there to find an ore that can shine if I polish it. He is a guy and I'm a girl. I know we are not the same in some situations; girls are easier to get into a trouble sometimes. But it doesn't mean I can't do anything. I just need to take care of something much more than guys, and maybe sometimes, I have to give up something. There is still a chance to try.

The situation in my work place is currently going to change. A few people are quitting, and few more are leaving soon and won't come back for a while because they are pregnant. The schedule of work is gonna be tough for everyone. So, this is my last chance. I don't think I can take a long vacation at least in a year if I miss this time. Actually, it's not so long as you think. The longest vacation I can take at a time is just a week. However, the length is not available anymore at least for a while. I know I can't do everything on my wish at once, but hope I can accomplish few things. I already got flight tickets. I know a safe and easier way, but I'm gonna choose a little bit adventurous way. Almost for 5 days. I have to plan how to spend those days and choose which wish lists I can accomplish :P There are still almost two months :P

浸食

I don't know what kind of impression do people who don't understand Japanese get from this song. As for me, it feels like I'm in a cruel dream which is sweet and languorous. Surrounded by the sticky voice, I have a strange sense. It's unrealistic. I want to be free from anything that bothers me, but I know it's nonsense. I don't want to do anything, I don't want anything to happen. However, the thing happens somewhere I can't reach and confronts me with the cruelest reality. I wonder if I will be released from any problems or negative feelings if my heart is eroded. I might be feeling like just falling down into a deep place.

I know that I have negative feelings and maybe a little bit being gnawn now because I prefer listening to this song and another song that is also cruel but beautiful.



I was eroded and lost control. I died then my instinct was born.

Flower

Just wanted to paste this video. I was not into L'Arc~en~Ciel in my old days, but of course I've heard this song. But I haven't listened to it carefully, and haven't seen the PV. Recently, I got a chance to see it when I went to karaoke with friend, and thought I like it. I've not been interested in Hyde, but now I say...Yeah, maybe he looks cool...but might look gay to some foreigners, lol.

By the way, I heard that for foreigners (might be just north Americans), karaoke is a shameful thing to go sober. A Canadian guy told me they never go to karaoke without alcohol. Because being drunk, no one cares if they sing well or not; everyone is the same. But if they are sober, if someone sings horribly, it may cause problems about the friendship because the person disgusts people...is that true??? DOES A PERSON'S ABILITY TO SING DESTROYS FRIENDSHIP??? I don't get it. At least among Japanese people, I haven't heard of such a case. We may make fun, but it never breaks friendship or something. So, such a new idea totally shocked me. But thinking about my foreigner friends, actually they didn't want to go to karaoke without drinking whenever I asked. Hmmm, might be true... :S And talking about karaoke, I went for the second time being alone. For the first time, I stayed there for 2 hours and it was tough. My throat was dying. So last time, I stayed there for 1 hour, but it was still tough, lol. One of my foreigner friends asked me if I went there alone to practice. Nah, I went there to release my stress. Singing in a loud voice is refreshing, isn't it? Especially when you don't have to care about anyone around you :P

Life Is Luck And Timing, That's What I Believe

One of my co-workers talks about her husband a lot. She is 32 years old, and her husband is 5 years older than her. They've been married for 2.5 years or so. She usually complains about her husband and from her talk, I figured out him as a selfish and childish person (it's just an impression I got from her talk. I'm not sure if he really is). Although the topics are always something bad about him, it's quite interesting to listen to her talk because it looks that she enjoys living with him.

Let me tell you some examples.
● There is few days or no days in a week that he doesn't go drinking with his co-workers after work.
● Whenever he drinks, he gets so happy and comes back very late at night.
● She can't sleep well sometimes because he wakes her up being too drunk.
● He has stayed more than 2 hours at the toilet in a station sleeping.
● Sometimes he is soiled by stuff he throw up.
● In such cases, he sometimes throw up at home again and she cleans it.
● It's too troublesome for him to go out as long as it's not work.
● Whenever he stays at home, he plays video games and gets so mad if he is interrupted.
● He doesn't help housework usually, and waiting for her doing with gaming.
● He is picky about foods and never ever eats something he dislikes.

I think there are more, but forgot, lol. Anyway, she sometimes says if not her but another one were his wife, they would definitely divorce; so, she saved him, lol. I can't say anything, but at least, I don't think I can live with such a guy. I'm sure they are together since his good things are something beyond his bad things and they make her feel like being with him. However, I don't think I can stand those things however he has good things, lol. They are something unacceptable for me. I know that I might be too serious about anything.

Everyone is different. Couples don't have to be the same. Maybe they are attracted to each other because something is similar and also something is different. I've felt uneasy when I was different from my boyfriend, but I knew it was kind a stupid thing. We can make up each other because we are different. I envy her finding someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with even she complains about something. I think it's miracle. "Life mostly depends on luck and timing", that's what I believe. Even you meet a "right person", if the timing is not good, you won't be together with the person. So, thinking about meeting someone that you can enhance each other in a good timing, it's just a miracle for me.

When I went snowboarding with friends last month, we got a chance to listen to kind a guys' honest thought from my friend's boyfriend. Actually, he is her fiance since they got engaged last summer. I think he is really nice because he drove us all the way and spent whole the time with us even he was the only guy. He thought it would be tough if he wouldn't come with us so he did all the stuff. I really appreciate it and can't thank enough. He let us know his honest thought however me and another friend were new to him, and listened to our talk seriously.

When we were drinking at night, one of my friends asked him why he had decided to get married with her in this timing. He told us he doesn't need to search for another one because she is the right one to spend the rest of his life with. He also told us he believes he can overcome any toughness with her...it has to be her for him. So, he decided. I was shocked that he declared such a thing in front of us, his girlfriends' friends he is not familiar with. I thought he settle his eyes to an clear direction and it doesn't vacillate.

After he said such a thing, a friend (actually it was her fist time meeting him) told him about her situation and wanted to hear his opinion. She's been in a long distance relationship with her bf for some month. She wants to get married when she is 27 years old (we all are 25 now), but she's heard that he doesn't wanna get married until he turns to 30 when they were friends. Since she knows about it, she can't let him know that she wants to get married when she is 27. And because of it, she wonders if it's better to start finding another one now. If she thinks about finding someone, and having a relationship with him about a year, no more time is left. When I heard about it, I felt admiration for her because I don't really calculate like that (I thought I would be a girl what people call loser, lol). But I thought it's natural to think like that. We are reaching 30 in a few years. Most girls want to get married before 30.

Listening to her, he let us know his thought: There are two types of guys who say that they don't want to get married till 30. One of them is simply because they want to play. The think they may meet better girls in the future, so they don't want to settle themselves and be bound with laws with their present girlfriend. The other ones are who want to be stable when they get married; but they won't feel they are stable however they turn to 30. It's pointless to say such a thing. All they have to do is making a decision at a point, that's it. He doesn't think he is stable at all, however, he believes he can go toward the direction with her...So, he told my friend to tell her boyfriend her thought anyways. He would give her an answer at least. It won't be too late to decide after getting the answer.

Anyway, I think marriage is one of the biggest decisions in someones life. We will share happiness, and sadness, enhance each other's goodness, admit and accept badness. Of course, it might be just my ideal thought. But one thing, I'm really happy that my friend is gonna get married, and the person seems to be faithful and nice :)...She caught a good luck and timing (^_-)-☆

Whisper Of The Heart

I got up late this morning because today was my day off and I came back home late last night. It was the last day for a co-worker and I went drinking with some people. I felt strange and a little bit lonely because I hadn't experienced anyone leaving the workplace yet, I mean, someone who I've worked with. I haven't  really talked to him so much, but maybe it's a natural thing that I felt that way.

When I woke up, I noticed that the weather was good. I didn't have any plans. But I didn't feel like staying at home all the day as well. I wanted to go somewhere on such a good day. I checked if there was something interesting in Tokyo area but couldn't find anything. I like shopping, but I don't want to go shopping for a while since I want to save money this month. So, I decided to walk around somewhere. But where? Then an idea came up to my mind. Let's visit the setting of "Whisper Of The Heart"!! It's a movie of studio Ghibli that was made when I was an elementary school student. I was also one of the girls that fell in love with Seiji at that time. I remember a funny story; I have a friend who loves studio Ghibli works a lot and she is my high school friend. When we were talking about the movie at school, she told me she had thought she would fall in love with someone like Shizuku and Seiji when she becomes a junior high school student, but nothing happened, lol.

Anyway, I've known that the place is not so far from my place, but haven't really visited. It was a good chance :) I've heard that there are no other anime movies that reproduces a real townscape as much as the movie. I have no idea about the details, but at least I enjoyed walking. It was regretful that I didn't go to a cafe that is the model of a shop "地球屋" in the movie. Maybe next time..