August 26, 2010

Something In さがしもの

*A letter which was left in a book*

I tried to write something cool, but it seems that I can't.

Thank you. It's the first words that came up on my mind.
I'm really depressed that only such cheesy and fake words came up on my mind.

However, it's everything that I can say.
I really had fun spending time with you these two years. It even feels like if I made the word "happiness" to a phenomenon of reality one by one, maybe the days that we spent together would be built.

A lot of tough things happened in these two years. Mother died, and brother caused an accident. I had to go to a mental hospital for a while, and lost my job. However, I think that I really owe it to you that I've passed such days with smiling.

I've also been through a lot of sad things with you, but it can't be compared with the words "thank you". Thank you for letting me like you.

From now, we will finally go though the completely separated ways. However, I want to meet you somewhere in the future like just meeting by chance at a crossroads. If it happens, then, I hope that we can talk about the days that we spent without each other in adults' words.

There were two dogs next-door. We put our arms though the fence and patted the dogs' heads like as if we were competing. We saw the lights of Shinjuku night through the window. We cleaned house while arguing. We bought cheap atka mackerels at fish store. We burst an egg with microwave oven. We always got out of breath at halfway of the steps.

In our separated lives, surely you and me will remember again and again. Are they beautiful memories? Or might be something different? I hope that they are the former. See you. Bye bye. So long.

*What a girl thought when she just moved out from an apartment she's been living with her ex*

There is a really good scene on the 15th book. Reading it first, I threw the book away and went to blow my nose. I cried. He laughed at me, but as I thought, he went to blow his nose in hiding when he read it. We kept saying great again and again seriously.

I opened the page of the 15th book. Without seeing any words nor pictures, a tear dropped. And I suddenly noticed. I noticed it for the fist time that it's like this to be in love with someone and break up with the one. It's like sharing a bookshelf. It's like exchanging books, read them all over and memorize the same sights. It's like pulling the union apart however that is already jumbled together. It's not about losing the confidence nor recovering from it. It's like tearing something that is already a part of me and lose it forever.

I closed the comic book and sat down on the floor. I cried harder and louder that when I read the 15th book. It was the first time that I cried because of him.

The bookshelf lost book and it will never filled up with same books. It's same about his nice bookshelf. However, it must not be a sad thing. Maybe we will keep the memories that we shared and it's like remembering an impressing scene of the book; you can remember the details of the unwritten colours of the girl's clothes right away.

Let's cry until I get satisfied, so I thought in the messy room. Let's cry as much as I want just like a kid. It's ok to cry till the midnight because I've lost that much.

And let's go to buy a new bookshelf tomorrow. Before getting curtains nor a bed. I decided so beside crying.

August 18, 2010

What I Did Today And...Dump

I'm a girl who rarely goes to see movies at theaters. However somehow, I already went there 3 times this months. Today was my day off and as it was Wednesday, I went to a theater to see Inception, the movie which some friends told me great. Actually, today was a "ちょびリッチ (petit rich)" off day because of it. Wearing a little bit girlish clothes, leaving my hair down (it was hot actually, lol) and went to eat lunch after getting the ticket. Although the lunch was not rich because I went to hidakaya (lol), I read a halfway finished book after lunch and got an ice cream on the way back to the theater so those things made me feel a little bit rich. I even had a cup of coffee and studied a little bit after the movie :)

I think I've been spending a lot of money these a few months...mostly owing to those pretty clothes and stuffs that I'm going to wear once or twice in coming a few months. I'm also paying back my student loan and it's making me poorer I guess. I'm not sure what I will be in the near future. Err, not about myself but the environment that I belong to. It feels like that nothing will change in such a short time. I will be working without doing what I want to do...I mean, going somewhere far. The fact makes me feel depressed and makes my motivation down.

A friend of mine mentioned about my last post. He told me that it sounded extremely rude. Yes, it came from my negative feelings but I didn't know it sounded that rude. Too bad I lack for English sense. I thought about writing it in Japanese, but didn't. However, being told about it, I feel sorry because I'm not posting things here to make someone feel uncomfortable.

Yesterday, my friend who wants to spend time together on my birthday called me and we talked about what to do. I told her that I want to do BBQ or go to a festival. I also told her that my sister has an idea going to the friendship festival in Yokota air base. Finally, it seems like we are going to go to the festival wearing yukata (not sure yet but maybe). It's not a bad way to spend my 26th birthday I guess. I should be a little bit happier to have someone who wants to spend time with me on such a day.

I've been finding myself not truly moved by compliments given by some friends. Someone said I look pretty. Someone said I'm sweet. However, I know that I'm just a girl who is selfish and becomes happy or sad with worthless things. Especially when I'm down, it feels like they can say such things because they don't know about me. But I know that I'm the one who doesn't let them come inside the wall. And maybe it's a miserable thing.

I hope that the days like being in Cambodia of Vietnam will come soon somehow. If I look forward to it and actually go somewhere, I'm sure my negative feelings will be blown away even it's something temporal. I need to go somewhere with my backpack.

August 17, 2010

Just A Bullshit

I know that it will hurt me. I'm going to regret...maybe it's too much to say "regret" but surely it's something negative. It's something that I've missed, although I wanted, and I will never get a chance to grab it in my hand. I've been avoiding something and maybe I've been doing it OK. However, I can't control myself anymore sometimes and try to take a bite of SOMETHING that brings me to a negative spiral. How stupid I am doing it beside knowing that I can't get anything but just get hurt.

Having been chilled down, I've found a lot of things that are unreasonable. Yes, I definitely got somethings that are good to me, but also the way that I shouldn't be treated. I think I'm a stupid girl who wants to become a woman but also wants to be a girl. At least I had been working hard to become something. I'd been trying to believe something, however, I found out everything I was told was a bullshit. Now I know that maybe only what I found by myself was right.

People say I'm going ahead and seem to be enjoying myself when I talk about something and actually, it's something positive. Actually, I want to enjoy myself. However, sometimes I feel like I'm just chasing the things I missed somewhere. I think I almost got out of there, but sometimes, when I'm unstable, I find myself being caught there again. How dare I feel it's hard to breath. How dare I can't stop gazing at it. When something scratches the scab by chance, the injury starts hurting again.

It gave me sweetest things but also left me the contrary things in the end. Bullshit, now I know everything is bullshit. The words locate on the other side of the river. But however I know that, it's hard to control what I feel. That is, I'm still a girl. A friend asked me what I wish if just one thing but anything can come true. I know what I want but maybe I won't ask for that because I know it's gonna be a problem however I overcome it once or twice somehow. I know it isn't worth because it shouldn't be a thing that I make efforts alone.

I was shocked when I found how clear the memories are. I clearly remember everything even they are nothing. I know that I should go sleep and just forget any sad things to get out of this mood, however the machine is still analyzing a blood sample behind me. Although I'm still a girl who wants to become mature, I sometimes want to became like a little baby and sleep somewhere being pat the hair without feeling any fears.

...Never mind, everything is bullshit. I know that there is nowhere. I know that only I can help myself.

August 10, 2010

First Time In Public Wearing Ao dai :)

It was my first time going to a wedding party (although it was the second party of wedding). As I mentioned before, I brought Ao dai dress and wore it. I was sure there wouldn't be anyone wearing something similar to me, and actually it was as I expected. However, I didn't expect that they would be so simple. I thought that some girls must be flashy (of course less flashy than the bride), but not really. I'm sure I stood out because of my clothes and height (I wore 10cm length high heel which I almost never wear usually and it made my feel really tired, lol) because of the length of the pants of Ao dai. But it made my body shape look a little bit better, so it wasn't that bad ;) I might be invited in a few other parties which are related to wedding, so I'm looking forward to going there and wear something 'special' because I have 3 of such clothes now. 1: Ao dai, 2: A blue dress which I share with my sister, 3: My sister's China dress, lol. I'm sure that it will be interesting for my friends to see me in such clothes which I never wear in usual.

After the party, friends and me (all of us were in the same class at high school) moved to a family restaurant in our town and talked a lot. There was a girl that I didn't talk so much in old days at school, and it was actually our first meeting after graduation. However, we spent a great time. One of the friends said I look very different. On the day, I wore a black one-piece dress because I thought that it might not be right to going to the ceremony hall with wearing clothes which I usually wear because they are too casual. The one-piece dress is a kind of casual one, however they was surprised to see me in such clothes. My friend told me that I look sexy in the outfit and it made me a little bit happy since I know that I'm not sexy at all. I'm sure I have fonder of foods than glamour (I ate 3 sweets at the hall beside playing bingo game!!!)

Anyway, I enjoyed the day and hope that my friend; the bride, will be happy with her husband forever :D

August 2, 2010

My Heart Flies Back To Vietnam

Today was not a very hot day. Since I was off, I got to sleep more than usual and woke up around 8:30. I already had a plan what to do...I wanted to go shopping to buy some stuff to make my hair up. It looked like it would be the last one that I need for the party since I had already bought a pair of earrings the other day when I was going to meet Mariko; the girl that I met in Vietnam. Since both of us wanted to make girls' meeting, we organized it and finally we met up 3 days ago :)

I enjoyed the other meeting; almost two months ago with Satoshi and Mariko, but didn't get a chance to have girls' conversation. So that's why we wanted to make that meeting. She is cute and smart, so that I thought that I thought it would be nice if we could become good friends :) Actually, we talked about a lot of things when we met up. But I feel that I talked too much :S I talkied about my idea about relationship and what I do for fun; the thing that I put some energy on (I'm sure some friends know what it is). I showed her some of my works (but honestly I don't feel those are my works, but the other people's :S). She told me that I'm positive. I don't think I'm a positive thinking person, however, I don't deny that I'm getting some good infection by doing it.

Firstly, it makes me feel like paying attention a little bit more about myself. However it's just a few times thing in a couple of month, it does something on me. It makes me feel like making small efforts to stay pretty :) I can't make such a great efforts nor spend a lot of money on it, but do some small things. For example, I practiced drawing eye lines (I hadn't used eyeliner before) and making a new hairstyle. I know that I can't be super pretty but at least there is something that I can do not to be rude. I think it's a kind of rude if I don't do anything when I help someone however it's a play for me (it's a serious play tho). Maybe those stories made Mariko feel that I'm positive. Listening to me, she said she has to start acting as well. It was interesting that we have some similar opinions about certain things.

By the way, the rest of Team Tokyo; Satoshi, is in Vietnam again from today. I remember that he told us that he would stay at Duong's hotel again. I sent him a message last night and told him to say hello to him if he meets him. I also sent an email to Duong but haven't received the reply yet. Now I envy Satioshi a lot and feel like visiting Vietnam again. Sitting at a stall, drinking a glass of beer with ice and having fun conversations. There must be another great encounter for Satoshi being in Vietnam :)

August 1, 2010

Dreaming Of Sleep

At last night of July, I was staying at workplace being bored. I was busy when another co-worker was there, but after she left, it wasn't so busy anymore. I watched TV while was a program of broadcasting one of the most famous fireworks display in Tokyo. I remember last year, I stayed over two consecutive Saturday nights and both of them had big fireworks display, so I missed them. I emailed one of my friends that is going to go to the party next weekend to confirm something, and she told me she would check something and text me back later since she was outside.

Maybe fireworks. I thought so. It might be wrong, but I envied her. It felt like everyone was having fun in the heated atmosphere at the riverside but I was bored in the lab. It sucked. If I can go to a firework display this summer somewhere around Tokyo, maybe it'll be only on 14th at Tokyo bay. Since I'll have work till around 3pm, I won't be able to wear yukata, but it should be alright. It's much nicer if I go there wearing it, but going there itself has a higher priority for me. I don't know why but really want to go.

One of my friends from high school texted me. She told me that she was going to organize drinking and want us to let her know which day would be good, 11th, 12th, or 14th. So, if I had made a promise to go to the fireworks, I wouldn't say I would be available on 14th. However, since not, I told her any day would be ok but I would be happy if the day would be 11th or 12th. Generally thinking, weekends are better for people to meet up so there is a high possibility that the meeting would be on 14th.

I remember where I went on first Saturday in August last year. I also came back home in the morning like today after work. The hot weather brings me a lot of memories back which maybe I shouldn't think of too much.

I like watching fireworks. However it makes me feel sad and lonely. The fading light and sound remind me of the end of summer, coming cool season and fleeting reality. I wonder if I've changed. However everything is gone, sometimes I feel that I haven't gotten out from dreaming of sleep yet.