I Have to Start From Trying

I noticed that I haven't posted anything here for a while. This month has been passing so quickly because I have something almost every weekend. I think it's great because I don't get bored and enjoying my time. I feel that I've been under the influence of something happening around me these days...actually, they're not what happens around me directly, mostly just information someone lets me know, but it's so enough to make my small ambition grow up.



I WANT TO DO SOMETHING COOL...
It's good enough to be self satisfaction though, lol.



I'm not gonna write definite things because I'm not sure yet, but yes I want to make my plan come true :) It might be just a little thing for people, but for me, it's something special. And I'm sure I can find myself changed through it if I realize it. Now, I'm planning :P I'm gonna do something I wanna do, and maybe it'll be unstoppable if I really desire it. I'm sorry I didn't write any clear thing this time...this post is so vague, lol. But I want to tell you one thing that I want to realize when I go through my small ambition.

為せば成る 為さねば成らぬ 何事も 成らぬは人の 為さぬなりけり
So, I have to start from "為すこと". Don't be afraid!

The Year-end Party Season Is Coming Close

It's been cold these few days. I can hear the footsteps of winter. It's almost there. When November starts, they start decorating a lot of places with lights for Christmas. I always feel it early because it's more than a month before Christmas day, but they are pretty, so it's ok. I haven't been to see pretty Christmas illuminations so I definitely want to go this year. I remember the one I saw in Odaiba when I was hanging around with hospital people was pretty. It was last year but I feel it so far don't know why.

The second year of my life as a member of society is going so quick. It's unbelievable that I'm already 25, feeling like I'm still a child. It's still few but some of people around my age or a little bit younger are already married and being mothers and fathers. Time passes so quickly. We make drinking parties that are called 忘年会(bounenkai) in December. I've written about it before and its a party for saying good bye to this year. Usually, such drinkings at work is something strained, so I like having one with friends. I remember the one I had with my co-workers when I was working at izakaya part time as a student. It was really gay and fun. I loved drinking with them, so I miss it. I wonder what kind of life they have now. They were very different from friends I had in school. I was working there for a while...3 or 4 years and it's not so short. A lot of people came and quit (most of people quit really soon), so it was like I was standing on a passage watching people going through. There were only a few people that I spent long time with at that place. But I don't feel we are friends, feel something special. Maybe we are not so close, but I feel like calling them 仲間 rather than 友達.

Now, this year is my turn to make a plan for 忘年会 for my co-workers. I hope it goes well :)

タバコなんて大嫌い

　買い物行こうとした時、引き出しからライター持ち出したの見てあれって思った。
　描いてある国旗の絵見せられて、あぁ、それ見せたかったのかってちょっと安心した。でも、違った。

　丸一日一緒に居たこともあったけど、吸っているところなんて今まで一度も見たことなかったし、健康に悪いって言っていたのに…。

　確かに最近BEAMSとかでライター見たとき、タバコ吸い始めるよって言っていた。Are you sure?って聞いたけど、かっこいいライター持ちたいとかなんとか。ライターなんてタバコ吸わなくても持ち歩けるじゃん。

　部屋から外へ出たキミが、マルボロを出して火を付けた。





　I know you are sad.
　でも、今日で止めるから。





　そう言って、階段の脇まで行って立ち止まって一服。そんなこと言うなら初めから目の前で吸わないで欲しかった。涙が出そうになった。絶対に泣くものかと押しとどめた。


　タバコなんて大嫌い。
　悲しい現実から目を背けたくて背中を向けた。暗い夜道に雨が静かに降っている。

　先に行っていいよって傘を差し出されたけど待っているって小声で言った。外の気温で頬が冷たい。



　そういえば、冬休みにセルビアに帰るってもう言ったよね？



　まさかの追い討ち。そんなの聞いていない。年末一緒に過ごしたいから休み教えてって前に言ったのに。

　そうやって自由で、一人で決めちゃってから事後報告。私のことなんて考えていないでしょ？
　せめて、一緒に過ごした言っていっていたのにごめんねって一言があればだいぶ違うのに。

　君といる時間がどんなに好きかなんてちょっとしたいざこざの後に言ってくれたけど、そういうことされるとやっぱり不安になる。心がえぐられる。

　キミが他の友達とどういう風に接しているか知らないから、自分がどう特別なのか、他の人と違うのかよくわからない。友達に会ってみたいって言ったこともあるけど、キミのことだから多分忘れているよね。



　部屋に帰ってきてキミが、残りのタバコごと箱に水を入れて捨てた。私は見ていない振りをした。

　セルビアのことが気になって、ご飯を食べているときに思い切って聞いてみた。いつ帰るのかとか。休みはいつからいつまでなのかとか。

　正直勇気が必要だった。

　物事をずばずば聞けるときは、自分と相手を線引いて割り切っているときか、逆に絶対大丈夫と安心しきっているとき。





　キミに寄りかかり始めているけど、まだ完全には寄りかかれない。











　そんなネガティブな気持ちのときにふと聴きたくなったスノースマイル。