December 22, 2013

Sweet, Sour, Might Be Bitter

I know I can be myself because I'm independent. I can feed myself of course, can hang out with friends, and go traveling sometimes without relying on anyone about the cost. I'm such a girl who likes having a simple life, however, it's not too simple and I enjoy such small happiness which adds colours on it. However, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the air. It's been a couple and half years since I started living by myself. I almost never felt lonely until recently. I've heard from some people they can't turn off the TV because they feel lonely staying home alone without sounds. They started going out for a dinner more often once they left their parents house, etc. I was almost never bothered by such situations and I was a kind of proud of it. However, one day, I felt like eating sweet and sour pork so much. It was on my mind more than a week. Yes, I know I can buy it at a supermarket. I can probably go to a restaurant and order it. However, I knew that it won't satisfy my heart. I wanted to eat something that someone cooked for me. Not for business but just for a favor. I seriously thought going to parents house for such food.

Fortunately, I got a chance to eat it without going back to hometown. I remembered one of my friends had told me he could cook most of the Chinese food that are generally known in Japan. I didn't expect too much but just asked him if he would do me a favor...and it made my small desire become reality. The food was delicious and I got someone to eat with! It made me warm inside enough to make me weep (I didn't because I tried hard not to, lol)!! Anyway, it was such an impressive event. And recently, I realized something. It happened the other day; I upload pictures of the results of my cooking sometime on facebook and someone told me that he wanted to try them. You know what, such words from the person absolutely didn't turn me on. I naturally felt it would at a potluck party or picnic if he gets such a chance. However, I tried to cook yummy food when my sister came over. I spent time more than usual as I cook just for myself, and tried to cook good stuff. I just wanted her to feel happy and spend great time with me. Then I realized, cooking is love. When I cook for someone, I think about the person and hope I can see him/her smile and probably I want such love. Especially in these winter days. Getting into my dark and chilly tiny room after work, microwave the food I already cooked before, and finish it in 10 minutes being silent...Okay, I don't want to keep doing this until next winter. I want to eat with someone in a light warm and calm place having a conversation and smile. I'm sure the sweet and sour pork day became the point that I started thinking about such thing. However, how can I make it?

Should I just move out from here?
- I don't think it will make a big difference just changing a place if I still have to come back in an dark empty room everyday.

So, should I start living with someone?
- If so, it will be a boyfriend but doesn't it usually take time till both people feel the same way? And currently, I don't even have one.

Even I realized I want to get out from this situation, it's not an easy thing because I'm scared of not being responsible and also not confident about certain things. I don't even know who I should be with. It feels like the time is running out and I'm lost like a little child. Some people say they just strongly felt it when they met their husband / wife for the fist time that they were gonna get married. Some say it's better to be with someone you like. Some say it's better to be with someone who loves you. I think everyone has a different answer. The answer that went well with someone may not suit you because everyone is different. I don't know if such a day comes that I naturally find a way that I'm going through or if I have to force myself at some point. If so, there will be something that I have to sacrifice but probably it's an of course thing because I don't think everyone can get everything they want. Should I try to grab Kairos' bangs when he appears next time even it doesn't look attractive at the moment? Or, should I let him go but there isn't a guarantee that I'll regret later not getting to see him again because I can't catch him from behind because his head is bald backside.

December 21, 2013

The God Of The Chance

Kairos has only bangs. You have to catch him when he comes to you. It'll be too late once he passes since his back head is bald so you can't catch. So, you shouldn't miss the opportunity when it comes to you. It's not just once. He appears again and again. However, you have to be ready to grab his bangs at the right timing. You can't save up the chance and that what I'm struggling about. I hope that I'll be ready and won't miss a chance when he comes to me next time.