I think I'll be done paying my student loan next year, so I have to think about my life after that. I'll be around the age that can't be just a young girl (don't say I'm already not!!), and I think for a few years from now, it'll be time that I can be free in some degree unless I get married or something happens. And also, those coming years may have a high possibility to become a kind of turning point of my life.
I've mentioned about this recently; I really feel like moving out now. I know that I haven't thought about detail plans about my life (my mom always told me to do it tho, lol), but I feel that something has been changed since last year and now something like "my ideal life" is slowly clearfied even it's only in my head.
I'm sure the coincidence triggered something and it brought me here like a chemical reaction which never stopps until the last outcome is made. I think it was not such a big thing but meaned a lot of me.
One of my friends told me she wants to get married when she is 27 years old. She is actually thinking of breaking up with present bf since he doesn't have the will to get married until he turns 30. A senior at workplace told me she had decided to get married or move out and live by herself when she was around my age. I don't know if my friend really gets married when she is 27 (she will be 27 in July next year), but my senior actually started living by herself when she became 27. Mmm, 27 may be a kind of special age for girls?
Maybe most of us have been selected the ways how to live in some degree and choose a partner to spend rest of the life with now. However I'm floating somewhere, seeing friends getting married one by one makes me notice that I'm around that age however I like it or not. It's interesting that even if we live till 80, our personality or habit have already been fixed and it's hard to change. There are people that I get along and also who I can't however I try.
Young people look fascinating because of their youth that they have now. But without question, it's what everyone has for a while in their life. We can't keep it forever, and everyone gets old. I'm personally not interested in showing ones glamour with wearing sexy clothes stuff like that. I'm sure that I will feel it weird if I try to do such a thing and it's also not the way I want to catch someone's attention with.
Even if someone gives me a compliment, I don't think I'll be moved because what I want is always a specific thing from a person, and of course the person is hardly replacable. It's fun to doze off in the gentle sunshine and have a sweet dream that feels like last forever. However, such a thing is just a bullshit because we wake up someday unless we are dead.
Maybe everyone wants to be special and what kind of special defferes from one to one. I don't think what I want is that big, but it's something hard to get. I don't like those words or compliments that sound nice but have substance. I always want to ask; DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT? You'll be fine soon. There is a right one for you, etc. Get out of here and leave me alone. I'm not telling this to get nice words. Whenever I tell about this, it reminds me the fact that I wasn't good enough to keep the only one heart I wanted and curse myself lacking attraction. It's a warning for myself.
I don't deny that I find myself relieved when I notice I'm still stuck. I don't wanna force myself move on because I know the end of the story of a girl who used to be called special girl.
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