August 17, 2010

Just A Bullshit

I know that it will hurt me. I'm going to regret...maybe it's too much to say "regret" but surely it's something negative. It's something that I've missed, although I wanted, and I will never get a chance to grab it in my hand. I've been avoiding something and maybe I've been doing it OK. However, I can't control myself anymore sometimes and try to take a bite of SOMETHING that brings me to a negative spiral. How stupid I am doing it beside knowing that I can't get anything but just get hurt.

Having been chilled down, I've found a lot of things that are unreasonable. Yes, I definitely got somethings that are good to me, but also the way that I shouldn't be treated. I think I'm a stupid girl who wants to become a woman but also wants to be a girl. At least I had been working hard to become something. I'd been trying to believe something, however, I found out everything I was told was a bullshit. Now I know that maybe only what I found by myself was right.

People say I'm going ahead and seem to be enjoying myself when I talk about something and actually, it's something positive. Actually, I want to enjoy myself. However, sometimes I feel like I'm just chasing the things I missed somewhere. I think I almost got out of there, but sometimes, when I'm unstable, I find myself being caught there again. How dare I feel it's hard to breath. How dare I can't stop gazing at it. When something scratches the scab by chance, the injury starts hurting again.

It gave me sweetest things but also left me the contrary things in the end. Bullshit, now I know everything is bullshit. The words locate on the other side of the river. But however I know that, it's hard to control what I feel. That is, I'm still a girl. A friend asked me what I wish if just one thing but anything can come true. I know what I want but maybe I won't ask for that because I know it's gonna be a problem however I overcome it once or twice somehow. I know it isn't worth because it shouldn't be a thing that I make efforts alone.

I was shocked when I found how clear the memories are. I clearly remember everything even they are nothing. I know that I should go sleep and just forget any sad things to get out of this mood, however the machine is still analyzing a blood sample behind me. Although I'm still a girl who wants to become mature, I sometimes want to became like a little baby and sleep somewhere being pat the hair without feeling any fears.

...Never mind, everything is bullshit. I know that there is nowhere. I know that only I can help myself.

2 comments:

マケイブ said...

大丈夫かい?ばれりーちゃん
せいぜい頑張れよ

ばれりー said...

たぶん大丈夫で~す。。。