Just Murmuring My Thoughts

"Have you ever thought about marriage? I bet you haven't." His words embarrassed me.

I was at work last night. The duty on weekend is either busy or not busy in most cases. Since only a person is in the lab whole the day, if it gets busy, it's really busy. Luckily, yesterdays was the latter pattern. Usually, we have a desktop computer which is connected to Internet, but the computer broke few weeks ago and a new one is not available till few months later, so it was a right choice that I brought my own laptop from home to kill time.

We were chatting online via messenger. It was for the first time that we talked since he started working few weeks ago. So, naturally we were talking about his work. I knew that he is working at the same company that our common friend works; actually, he is working where she was working before till she was assigned to her present lab. And then, when I talked about what happened the other day at Shibuya, he said it.

I don't think I haven't thought about marriage, actually, I've posted about my thought about my ideal husband and stuff. However, the word "marriage" hasn't just been so serious for me. The word doesn't move my heart yet. It feels like it's something on another planet and it went even farther when I was left.

I've been in a few relationships before I went out with my last boyfriend, and of course I've liked few more people in the past. But in most cases, I was in relationships with people who approached me. I'm not saying I'm popular. It's simple, I can't go out with someone that starts from my one-side love. I just want to say, the balance of supply and demand sucks. I wonder if I'm bad that much :( But maybe (hopefully) it's because of the timing. I've missed a guy because of the timing, and I've even rejected when I asked a guy for his mobile address, lol.

Anyway, let's get back to the story. My friend said, I require passion too much. I don't deny that I want it in some degree now. However, it was not on my list in the past. For now, I just feel I can't be in a relationship with someone I don't spend great time with. It was good enough to be just okay before, but now, I require more. I don't know if I go back to the point since I've experienced something, guess, I don't need to for now at least because I'm not in such a mood. He said that it's of course to get bored but I didn't get the point why he said that. It was not me, but the other one. I wanted to solve the problem if there was, and I thought I had told him about it. So, I didn't think it was something that I should be told. He left a few minutes later so I felt foggy.

He is usually like that...says something that denies my thought. But it's fine. It lets me notice a new point of view :) I remember a friend told me I'm too picky sometimes. Another friend told me I treat people who have thoughts that is different from mine cheaply. I hadn't felt I was doing such a thing, so I was shocked and depressed when I heard it. She also said, "She said, "you always want to make things clear to be black or white. But there are a lot of gray things that can't be separated to be black nor white. Admit them and talk to people who have opinion that is different from you, it will widen your world".

Might be true...that was what I felt when I heard it. But as time passes, I started thinking differently. I'm not avoiding people who are different from me. There is a proverb; birds of a feather flock together. Of course we choose people to hang out with sometimes, but I don't think we do it every time. We are surrounded by a lot of people either you like or not, and simply, it's impossible to choose every single one. We meet someone by chance, and if we like each other, we will keep in touch naturally, there is no reason that we dare to try to keep in touch with people we don't feel like. However, it doesn't mean you are rejecting. If you get a chance to meet someone, you don't refuse it without specific reason, do you?

Thus, if she feels that I don't associate with someone who has different thoughts from me, it's wrong. I just don't try hard to keep in touch with every single person I've met. I don't have energy, time nor money to spend on it. And sadly, however I want to get close to someone, it's like catching the wind with a net if the person doesn't feel the same way.

Although having thoughts like this, we can't act as we think every time. Emotion sucks. It prevents us from doing what we think 'right' sometimes. However, since we have emotions and being not perfect, we are humans.