I'm Going to See Kobe Luminarie

It was a very quick decision. Once I heard about it, something in my heart started growing up. It expanded and expanded...and finally exploded! Man, I really want to go there! Of course I've known about this famous light up since before. However, I didn't think I would go to see it since it's far away and maybe I also didn't want to go if I'm alone. However, something has changed now.

"Maybe it's the time to go. If I miss this year, I don't know when I get a chance to go to see them."

While taking a look of the pictures on Internet, my heart kept beating fast. So, naturally I decided to go there somehow with the strong feeling. Since it's only temporary event for 12 days in December, I had to act quickly. The closing date of requesting off days for next month is almost there, and I had to negotiate to all the co-workers if I want to get consecutive days off because there are not so many people in my lab now. Fortunately, it seems that it's gonna work. Maybe I can go there! I feel I will fall in love with the lights if I see them and actually going there to make it happen, lol. I think I can just stay there and watch the lights for hours without getting bored. It will be a time for meditation...and also a kind of torture because I know that I can't be just happy with doing that. I'm sure the lights will remind me about something specific...I remember how much I wanted to see pretty lights last year. There are some great light-up place for Christmas around Tokyo and it was OK to any of them because I was sure I can be happy anywhere. It seemed that the dream came true. I walked under blue lights but didn't feel happy so much. Finally, the uneasy feeling I had in my mind became reality.

I think I may feel something similar what I felt while walking in the park alone weeping at night. It felt like the end of the world at that time, but I'm sure I won't feel that bad anymore however I weep...And of course I can't do it when I'm with someone...actually, maybe my sister is coming with me if I go there. Damn, I'll miss the chance to release all of my feelings in front of the beautiful light up, lol.

If someone asks me how my life is, I don't think I can say I'm 100% enjoying yet. Something is missing, and I still need to charge myself. The sorts of batteries I can use are so limited, and the energy keeps running away no matter I refill it or not. Maybe I need to wait a little bit more. Until I'm filled enough to start walking by myself again or something pulls me and helps me start moving from where I am. But you know, when I feel like doing something so strongly, it becomes a huge mass of energy and just pushes me up from inside. The only thing that has pushed me sometime in past months is when I realized I could actually go somewhere. My heart beat so fast and it kept me up till late at night. I'm not exaggerating, I couldn't sleep because of the excitement!!! LOL. I think I'm deep in love with it...especially doing it alone.

While traveling, sometimes I laugh when I see funny things. Sometimes I weep when I'm impressed or when I feel lonely (lol). I find myself more obedient when I travel alone. Maybe it's because I'm free from the role that I take a part in the small societies I belong to. I need to be just a girl sometimes and the girl wants to go to see the pretty lights which will give her both happiness and loneliness :)

Anyway, I think no one can stop me (unless something happens at work). Now I'm like a wild boar running straightly to the target♥ You'll see ;)

ホリデー

　目が覚めたら外は明るくて、最近のじめじめした天気とは打って変わっての快晴の空だった。時計は九時半を指していて、すでに十分遅いんだけれども、遅くまで起きていたことを理由にもう一度布団にもぐりこんだ。昨日から変えた羽毛布団はふかふかしていて気持ちいい。


　今日は空気も爽やかだし、気温も少し上がるみたいだから文句なしの山日和かなぁとか思いつつ。でも、三時から人と会う約束があるから無理だなと思いなおし…残念。気持ち的には山に軍配があがるけど、もちろん優先されるべきは以前からの約束。


　ぬくぬくと布団の中でまどろみつつも、結局一時間後に起きだして遅い朝食をとる。今食べたばかりの納豆とは到底合わないとわかってはいるけれども、ポットにお湯を沸かして締めのコーヒーを淹れた。


　最近コーヒーをよく飲む。数年前は完全に紅茶派だった私はいつの間にやらコーヒー派にシフトしていた。でも、豆買ってきて挽いてとか、そういうことは一切やる気がなくて、自分で淹れるのは真空パックのドリップタイプか粉末のインスタント。この間はお手頃価格の抹茶ラテを大量買いして職場にも持って行った。最近発見したけど、やっぱりそういうのもココアのごとく、お湯で淹れるより牛乳で淹れた方が断然美味い。職場に牛乳はさすがに置いておけないから、家だけでの楽しみかなぁ…。


　ひょいと外を覗いたら、庭に咲いている菊の花に蜂が来ていたので、カメラを持って抜き足差し足忍び足（笑）三年ほど前に買ったデジカメ、最近は友達の結婚式で活躍中。まだまだ現役です！








　う～ん、やっぱり天気が良いから今日は駅まで歩いていこう。カメラと本も持っていこう。新しいブーツを履いて、いつもよりちょっとお洒落にして。昨日落ち込んだ分の哀しみはまだちょっと残っているけど、きっと心地よい日差しと風が消してくれる。

Random Things On My Mind

I think I'll be done paying my student loan next year, so I have to think about my life after that. I'll be around the age that can't be just a young girl (don't say I'm already not!!), and I think for a few years from now, it'll be time that I can be free in some degree unless I get married or something happens. And also, those coming years may have a high possibility to become a kind of turning point of my life.

I've mentioned about this recently; I really feel like moving out now. I know that I haven't thought about detail plans about my life (my mom always told me to do it tho, lol), but I feel that something has been changed since last year and now something like "my ideal life" is slowly clearfied even it's only in my head.

I'm sure the coincidence triggered something and it brought me here like a chemical reaction which never stopps until the last outcome is made. I think it was not such a big thing but meaned a lot of me.

One of my friends told me she wants to get married when she is 27 years old. She is actually thinking of breaking up with present bf since he doesn't have the will to get married until he turns 30. A senior at workplace told me she had decided to get married or move out and live by herself when she was around my age. I don't know if my friend really gets married when she is 27 (she will be 27 in July next year), but my senior actually started living by herself when she became 27. Mmm, 27 may be a kind of special age for girls?

Maybe most of us have been selected the ways how to live in some degree and choose a partner to spend rest of the life with now. However I'm floating somewhere, seeing friends getting married one by one makes me notice that I'm around that age however I like it or not. It's interesting that even if we live till 80, our personality or habit have already been fixed and it's hard to change. There are people that I get along and also who I can't however I try.

Young people look fascinating because of their youth that they have now. But without question, it's what everyone has for a while in their life. We can't keep it forever, and everyone gets old. I'm personally not interested in showing ones glamour with wearing sexy clothes stuff like that. I'm sure that I will feel it weird if I try to do such a thing and it's also not the way I want to catch someone's attention with.

Even if someone gives me a compliment, I don't think I'll be moved because what I want is always a specific thing from a person, and of course the person is hardly replacable. It's fun to doze off in the gentle sunshine and have a sweet dream that feels like last forever. However, such a thing is just a bullshit because we wake up someday unless we are dead.

Maybe everyone wants to be special and what kind of special defferes from one to one. I don't think what I want is that big, but it's something hard to get. I don't like those words or compliments that sound nice but have substance. I always want to ask; DO YOU REALLY MEAN IT? You'll be fine soon. There is a right one for you, etc. Get out of here and leave me alone. I'm not telling this to get nice words. Whenever I tell about this, it reminds me the fact that I wasn't good enough to keep the only one heart I wanted and curse myself lacking attraction. It's a warning for myself.

I don't deny that I find myself relieved when I notice I'm still stuck. I don't wanna force myself move on because I know the end of the story of a girl who used to be called special girl.