I'm Just A Girl

I'm in the ironic mood these days because something depressing happened and I'm going to throw it out here just to release my feelings.

It's just what seems to be for me, but...I'm not that pretty but I know some people like my looks. I have received a compliment about it sometimes, and if I had to say if it's good or bad, I would say, of course it's a positive thing. However, such compliments make me sad as well.

Sometimes, someone tells me I look pretty. And I say thank you.
And what?

There are some experiences I've been through about relationships and whatever, and basically the guy liked my looks but I don't know if they ever tried to know about me as a person or a girl. I don't know what they have on their mind...of course everyone is not the same but how can they do something like

Buying stupid adult toys as a souvenir and tells me its for "Us" (It totally turned me off).
Keep telling that he doesn't care and want to make out when I was saying I had period and didn't want to do such a thing.

Try to kiss or make out without confirming if I'm available for such things without having a relationship.
And after such kiss, they sound like they are not interested in knowing about me.

The former two are something about my ex and the latter are about my "Friend".

Personally, I don't want to kiss or do anything more unless I'm in a relationship. And when such a thing happen, I get sad or disappointed especially when I was under the impression he is nice and there is something I admire about him.

I say, something happened recently and I just realized that I get more sad and disappointed as the days go by.
For me, a kiss or whatever is something more than just a friend. But it seems like guys are different in general.
One of my male friend says I have to realize that they just want to kiss her if she is pretty.


And I think it is truth because it describes why my latest relationship didn't work.
He told me I look pretty, etc. But never tried to know about me and I personally feel it's not because of the distance.
If that was the case, he could treat me in much better way.

If they like just my looks, I don't want them to come by me.
There are a lot of girls who are far prettier than me.
I don't want a guy who cares about my looks more than who I am.
I'd rather make friends who are interested in me and can hangout and spend time together.

It's a sad story but I realized I got to know a lot of people in past 3, 4 years. but there are just a few people who were interested in my personality and actually got to know about me in some extent.

I don't deny it's nice to have many acquaintances. However, it's not what I want for now.

Choose What You Want To Spend Money On

As you know, I enjoy saving. However, I don't try my hardest to make my cost expenses to the minimum. Because, it will be too stressful to cut all the money that I don't need to spend to live. I can't go out for dinner or hanging out with friends, I have to refrain from purchasing favorite things as fashionable clothes, etc. Such things are not what I want. My small goal is cutting the cost for the things that are okay and spend a little bit more money for the things that enrich my life :)

Here is an example.
I need to drink something while working because the room is dry and we get thirsty easily. One of my co-workers buys a can coffee in the morning, and then, buy one or two plastic bottle drinks while she is there. I don't want to do such a thing because it's waste for me. One coffee costs 120 yen normally. One plastic bottle drink costs around 140 yen. So, she spends 400 yen for those drinks per a day. If you go to work 20 days per a month, it adds up to 8,000 yen. Personally, those drinks I have while working are just what I need and not worth 8,000 yen. So, what I do is bringing a thermos bottle from home. I pour coffee or tea, whatever and it usually last half a day. Do I buy buy something later for the latter of day? The answer is no. I keep tea bags at work and during lunch time, I just make tea in the empty thermos bottle :D So, I spend less than 100 yen for those drinks. Isn't it economical? The point is, you shouldn't refrain from buying drinks if you want to have something specific. Sometimes, I feel like having ha carbonated drink and buy it. Even if you do it a few times in a month, it doesn't add up to 8,000 yen, does it? :P

So the point is,
1. Cut the cost for things for your need which is okay to be anything.
2. Spend money for something you want.

Isn't it better to spend those 8,000 for having nice dinner with great friends rather than having not tasty drinks just to make your thirst satisfied?

My Life Here Is Getting Interesting

The more people I get connected with, the more interesting my life becomes. If I ask myself, who just started working 5 years ago, if she can imagine how her life will be, I'm definitely sure she can't imagine how things will be. I feel I'm connected here with people, and not thinking of letting my current circumstances go unless I have a reason good enough for it.

Recently, I got connected with my old crush again. He and I were not close while we were in the same school. It was my one-sided feeling and I never told him about it those days. Of course, such feeling has gone already long time ago. However, I found it interesting. I got connected with a person whom I never had expected to see ever again and he even seems interested in the events I currently taking a part of sometime. He is such a normal typical guy of my generation, and I totally haven't had a chance to hang out with them in my life these past years. I'm holding a small gathering at my favorite restaurant in Tokyo next Wednesday, and he is coming. 16 people are attending for now, and you know what, his first love is coming. When I asked my friends if anyone is interested in coming with us, the girl, who I haven't met for 13 years told me was interested and told me she wanted to come. I do not know if they've met after graduation. Anyway, no matter what, it'll be exciting. Really looking forward to it!!